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My friend Anne-Marie turned up for dinner, an hour late (as usual), moaning about traffic, the weather, her health and everything else under the sun.
‘Right then, where’s the nearest off-licence?’ she asked half-heartedly. It was her regular routine to arrive empty-handed, even though she had driven past three off-licences to reach our house. Instead of having a word with her I just said, as she knew I would: ‘Oh don’t worry, we’ve got plenty.’ Then she talked about herself for three hours.
I’ve known Anne-Marie since school days and she has always been more drain than radiator as a friend, but it was only when I got married 13 years ago that it really hit home what a complete pain she was.
Beware the vampire friend: They'll suck the life out of you if you let them
‘That woman puts you in a bad mood,’ my husband Harry observed after yet another dinner party where we’d both spent hours listening to her — and supplying her with drinks.
But it wasn’t just the lack of social graces, it was the numerous and lengthy late-night phone calls she made, moaning about her failing relationship with her on-off boyfriend, who was married to someone else but flitted between the two women.
I offered advice and not only did she never take it, not once, but during one of many rows with her bloke she told him what I had said, which of course wound him up a treat and provoked him into calling us late at night — and it wasn’t to say ‘sleep tight’, I can tell you.
‘You’re wasting your breath,’ said my husband. ‘He’ll never leave his wife and she’ll never dump him.’ It was all very wearing.
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ShareAnne-Marie is what is known as a ‘Vampire Friend,’ so called because they suck the very lifeblood out of you, sap your energy and leave you feeling totally drained.
And even celebrities are not immune from them. Look at poor old Courteney Cox. She recently split from her husband David Arquette after 11 years of marriage and insiders are saying that her close friend Jennifer Aniston was the spanner in the works of their relationship.
Even Aniston, who is notoriously needy, put her hands up, admitting that she may have ‘distracted’ Cox from her marriage. A friend was quoted as saying: ‘A part of Jennifer wonders if her own neediness may have taken more from Courteney than she was able to give.’
Cox, apparently, was permanently ‘on call’ during the meltdown of Aniston’s relationship with Brad Pitt. I wouldn’t mind betting that dear old Jen used Courteney’s marriage split to bleat on about herself too — a Vampire Friend will never miss an opportunity to hijack somebody else’s crisis and make it all about them again.
Needy: Jennifer Aniston admitted she may have 'distracted' Courteney Cox from her marriage with her woes about her own love life
Unfortunately, Vampire Friends are nearly always ‘limpet friends’ as well and very hard to shake off.
My sister Deirdre, who is a total eccentric (bless her), went to inordinate lengths to avoid her needy friend Judy.
When she saw Judy coming up the path for a moan the third time that week, she hid behind the sofa and refused to answer the door.
Not to be deterred, Judy opened the side gate and went around the back of the house, where she could see Deirdre lying on the floor. Thinking quickly, Deirdre pretended to be having an asthma attack, so Judy called 999 and an ambulance crew arrived and smashed the front door off its hinges. Deirdre trying to avoid her needy friend cost her a new front door and an angry confrontation with paramedics.
But the truth is that Vampire Friends will only bleed us dry if we allow them to and the nicer the victim, the more likely they are to be put upon. Someone with problems often wants human contact late at night or in the early hours of the morning and they think: ‘Who will take my call?’
'Once you were quite happy to listen for hours about your mate’s problems, but it's a different matter when we have husbands and children to consider as well'
There are very few people prepared to do that and it’s often someone the Vampire has a long history with, as in the case of Cox and Aniston, because they worked together for so long.
Depressingly, in my experience, even the most blindingly obvious advice is rarely heeded and acted upon.
So when you say ‘dump the loser’ or ‘stop paying for everything, nobody can lose their wallet that often’ , that’s not what your friend wants to hear. She will either ignore the suggestion or leave it for years before ending an unhappy relationship.
Another problem, especially with long-standing friendships, is that after two decades or so we become different people. So while you were both in your late teens or early 20s you had plenty of time and were quite happy to listen for hours about your mate’s problems, it’s a different matter when we reach our 40s and have husbands and children to consider as well.
A few weeks ago, Vampire Friend number one arrived at my house to complain about her marriage and while she was there Vampire Friend number two telephoned. I said: ‘Can I call you back? Tess has just popped in.’
Vampire Friend number two replied tearfully ‘You never want me when she’s there!’ and slammed the phone down in a huff.
So I suppose you’re wondering about my needy friend Anne-Marie and the 200-odd hours of advice I gave her? Well, after seven years her bloke gave her the heave-ho and decided to stay with his wife — so not only did she suck the life out of me, but I’d wasted all my breath on her, too.
So that’s it, New Year is coming and there’s no more Mr Nice Guy. Caller display has been installed on the main line so I know when Vampire Friends are phoning.
And if you’ve got a Vampire Friend yourself, I suggest you cut this article out and post it to them anonymously, inside one of those cards that say: ‘Saw this and thought of you.’ Or just buy a massive bulb of garlic.
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